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Players: Husband and wife.

Activists: Both.

Setting: Home or hotel.

Aim: To arouse unconscious, unspoken judgments.

Game Plan: This is a simple game, but its results can be profound. It is for the narcissistic couple who started off in a twin-ship or idealizing transference but have drifted apart. Sometimes, in such cases, either there is little sex or it is rushed and orgasm comes too quickly or not at all. Sometimes one or the other feels disillusioned—even contemptuous toward the mate. Sometimes a quiet (and sometimes a loud) rage is expressed. Sometimes envy or possessiveness gets in the way of effective relating: The wife envies the husband’s job and mobility, and the husband is possessive of the wife.

During a weekend evening or other relaxed occasion, the husband and wife undress and entwine themselves face to face. A good position for this game is for the husband to lie across a bed with his back and head propped on pillows, and the wife to straddle him. After he enters her and they are one, they should gaze into one another’s eyes. Eye contact is important.

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The husband then carries (or leads) the wife into another place (another room, a basement, a friend’s apartment) where he has set up some kind of “cove” or “hideout.” Perhaps there’s a mattress on the floor, or the bed has a different bedspread on it (such as black satin), and there’s a treasure trunk or box near the bed (containing a new bauble for his captured princess), and a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Some exciting “bandit music” pulsates from the stereo—Ravel’s Bolero comes to mind—and an exciting aroma comes from incense. He lays her down on the bed, pours some champagne, and offers a toast.

“To my new princess!”

“Champagne? I don’t believe you.”

“Drink it.”

“I don’t want it. Why don’t you take off that silly mask?” “I said drink it”

“What are you going to do with me?”

“Something I should have done long ago.”

“Are you going to ravish me?”

“Like you’ve never been ravished in your life.”

“You masked brute. Unhand me!”

“You’re free to go any time you want.”

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Nearly every couple is depressed some of the time; hence the following games might be useful to all couples. Those couples who suffer from a long-term depression will benefit most, although they will also encounter the greatest amount of difficulty in getting out of their defensive postures.

What is the defensive posture of somebody who is depressed? It can be simply stated as “Why bother?” When you are depressed, you do not feel like doing anything—and that includes having sex. Getting out of bed in the morning can be a chore. Eating is more of a chore. Work is a terrible chore. Existence seems pointless and life empty of meaning.

It may be that some depression is due to an organic deficiency (as some researchers claim). However, it can easily be observed that much depression is the result of environmental conditions. If we lose a loved one, get fired from a job, or find ourselves evicted from our apartment, we become depressed. In infancy, the loss of a parent, a sibling, or even a treasured pet or doll can also cause depression. So can an array of other circumstances. If such childhood depressions are not successfully soothed by parents, the depression may remain as a character formation, so that as adults the slightest adversity can release the repressed infantile depression in the individual.

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“Does this excite you?” the husband asks the wife.

“Not at all,” the wife says. Then, her next thought: “Well, actually, I kind of like it.”

And the wife asks the husband, “How does that feel?”

“Who cares?” he may say. Then: “I care!”

And the wife may say, “I’m bored”—and then, “I don’t understand why I’m getting so excited.”

And the husband may say, “It doesn’t matter”—and then, “I feel afraid of losing control.”

And the wife may say, “Who cares?”—and then, “I think I’ve been feeling upset with you for years and holding on to that.”

And the husband may say, “Boring!”—and then, “I’m so angry at you for distancing me all the time. I think you need a good fucking!”

This game may or may not lead to actual sexual intercourse the first time it’s played. Instead, the first few times might result only in “seducing” buried feelings and bringing them to the surface—feelings such as lust, fear, anger, or jealousy. A rule of therapy is that if an individual is afraid to feel negative emotions, he or she won’t be able to feel positive ones, either. So if we suppress any feelings, we end up suppressing them all. Once suppression and repression are lifted, there may be a temporary euphoria of liberation—followed by anxiety and then a resurfacing of the “negative” emotions we have been holding on to, denying, or projecting onto others.

This third game may be repeated as often as needed, until it leads to sexual intercourse, passion, and more-honest communication. It may also be used in combination with other games.

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It is in our first relationship with our mother that we experience the prototype of love and tenderness. Love is an offshoot of gratitude. The original gratitude the infant feels toward the gratifying mother and her gratifying breast is both sexual and emotional. A mother’s voluntary giving of love to her infant, who is too helpless to control whether she does so or not, is the first act of love. If the mother gives to the infant in this way, the infant will express gratitude and passion toward the mother, and the mother will experience a mutuality of tenderness and love, and a bond will be formed. Both will feel loved and appreciated, emotionally as well as physically. If a mother, due to her own emotional blocks, is unable to set this first example, the infant will develop blocks to intimacy.

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