Mens Health Blog. Medical Blog

Players: Husband and wife.

Activists: Both.

Setting: Home or hotel.

Aim: To arouse unconscious, unspoken judgments.

Game Plan: This is a simple game, but its results can be profound. It is for the narcissistic couple who started off in a twin-ship or idealizing transference but have drifted apart. Sometimes, in such cases, either there is little sex or it is rushed and orgasm comes too quickly or not at all. Sometimes one or the other feels disillusioned—even contemptuous toward the mate. Sometimes a quiet (and sometimes a loud) rage is expressed. Sometimes envy or possessiveness gets in the way of effective relating: The wife envies the husband’s job and mobility, and the husband is possessive of the wife.

During a weekend evening or other relaxed occasion, the husband and wife undress and entwine themselves face to face. A good position for this game is for the husband to lie across a bed with his back and head propped on pillows, and the wife to straddle him. After he enters her and they are one, they should gaze into one another’s eyes. Eye contact is important.

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The husband then carries (or leads) the wife into another place (another room, a basement, a friend’s apartment) where he has set up some kind of “cove” or “hideout.” Perhaps there’s a mattress on the floor, or the bed has a different bedspread on it (such as black satin), and there’s a treasure trunk or box near the bed (containing a new bauble for his captured princess), and a bottle of champagne and two glasses. Some exciting “bandit music” pulsates from the stereo—Ravel’s Bolero comes to mind—and an exciting aroma comes from incense. He lays her down on the bed, pours some champagne, and offers a toast.

“To my new princess!”

“Champagne? I don’t believe you.”

“Drink it.”

“I don’t want it. Why don’t you take off that silly mask?” “I said drink it”

“What are you going to do with me?”

“Something I should have done long ago.”

“Are you going to ravish me?”

“Like you’ve never been ravished in your life.”

“You masked brute. Unhand me!”

“You’re free to go any time you want.”

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Nearly every couple is depressed some of the time; hence the following games might be useful to all couples. Those couples who suffer from a long-term depression will benefit most, although they will also encounter the greatest amount of difficulty in getting out of their defensive postures.

What is the defensive posture of somebody who is depressed? It can be simply stated as “Why bother?” When you are depressed, you do not feel like doing anything—and that includes having sex. Getting out of bed in the morning can be a chore. Eating is more of a chore. Work is a terrible chore. Existence seems pointless and life empty of meaning.

It may be that some depression is due to an organic deficiency (as some researchers claim). However, it can easily be observed that much depression is the result of environmental conditions. If we lose a loved one, get fired from a job, or find ourselves evicted from our apartment, we become depressed. In infancy, the loss of a parent, a sibling, or even a treasured pet or doll can also cause depression. So can an array of other circumstances. If such childhood depressions are not successfully soothed by parents, the depression may remain as a character formation, so that as adults the slightest adversity can release the repressed infantile depression in the individual.

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“Does this excite you?” the husband asks the wife.

“Not at all,” the wife says. Then, her next thought: “Well, actually, I kind of like it.”

And the wife asks the husband, “How does that feel?”

“Who cares?” he may say. Then: “I care!”

And the wife may say, “I’m bored”—and then, “I don’t understand why I’m getting so excited.”

And the husband may say, “It doesn’t matter”—and then, “I feel afraid of losing control.”

And the wife may say, “Who cares?”—and then, “I think I’ve been feeling upset with you for years and holding on to that.”

And the husband may say, “Boring!”—and then, “I’m so angry at you for distancing me all the time. I think you need a good fucking!”

This game may or may not lead to actual sexual intercourse the first time it’s played. Instead, the first few times might result only in “seducing” buried feelings and bringing them to the surface—feelings such as lust, fear, anger, or jealousy. A rule of therapy is that if an individual is afraid to feel negative emotions, he or she won’t be able to feel positive ones, either. So if we suppress any feelings, we end up suppressing them all. Once suppression and repression are lifted, there may be a temporary euphoria of liberation—followed by anxiety and then a resurfacing of the “negative” emotions we have been holding on to, denying, or projecting onto others.

This third game may be repeated as often as needed, until it leads to sexual intercourse, passion, and more-honest communication. It may also be used in combination with other games.

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It is in our first relationship with our mother that we experience the prototype of love and tenderness. Love is an offshoot of gratitude. The original gratitude the infant feels toward the gratifying mother and her gratifying breast is both sexual and emotional. A mother’s voluntary giving of love to her infant, who is too helpless to control whether she does so or not, is the first act of love. If the mother gives to the infant in this way, the infant will express gratitude and passion toward the mother, and the mother will experience a mutuality of tenderness and love, and a bond will be formed. Both will feel loved and appreciated, emotionally as well as physically. If a mother, due to her own emotional blocks, is unable to set this first example, the infant will develop blocks to intimacy.

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Young people usually choose to handle this problem in one of three ways: sneak round behind their parents’ backs; go along with their parents’ rules and wait until their parents say they’re old enough; try to change their parents’ minds. Let’s look at each of these choices.

Sneaking round behind your parents’ backs just isn’t a good choice. Sooner or later young people who do this almost always get caught. If you do get caught, you may get into a lot of trouble and may do serious damage to your relationship with your parents. In fact, your parents may find it hard to trust you in the future. Even if you don’t get caught, you’ll probably feel guilty about lying and sneaking. Going out should be a fun and pleasurable part of your life. Having to sneak round just complicates your life. Who needs the added complication of having to go behind your parents’ backs? In short, sneaking round behind your parents’ backs just isn’t worth the ‘price’ you may have to pay.

On the other hand, it can be awfully hard to go along with your parents’ rules and wait until you’re older, especially if there’s a special someone you’d like to go out with. But parents who make these sorts of rules aren’t usually trying to be mean or unfair. They’re trying to protect you from ‘getting in over your head’ by starting your romantic life when you are too young. After all, you have a lot of years ahead of you. So if you parents want you to wait, think honestly about it. Maybe they’re right. If your parents say no, ask yourself these questions: are the other kids my age allowed to go out? would I really lose anything by waiting until I’m older?

If your honest answer to these questions is no, then perhaps waiting is the best choice for you. If, however, you feel that your parents are being too strict or too old-fashioned, you might want to consider the third choice, changing their minds.

Changing your parents’ minds probably wouldn’t be an easy job, but it’s worth a try. For starters, find out exactly why they’ve made these rules. What are they worried about? Once you understand their feelings, you may be able to come up with a compromise. If, for instance, your parents think you’re too young to go out, maybe they’d allow you to go on group dates. Or if they won’t allow dates for the cinema, perhaps they’ll allow you to go to a boy-girl party or invite someone to your house.

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People used to think that children didn’t have strong romantic feelings or much interest in anything sexual before the age of puberty. We now know that even young children may have strong romantic and sexual feelings and that they often are curious about sex at a very young age. Of course, not all young children have strong feelings of this nature and not all are curious about sex. As we’ve said, each of us has his or her own personal timetable. But, many children do have a curiosity about sex and strong feelings during childhood. It’s important for you to know that it’s normal if you do have strong romantic and sexual feelings during childhood and it’s also normal if you don’t.

When we talk about childhood sexual feelings and curiosities, one topic that always comes up is sex play. Many youngsters engage in some form of sex play during their childhood. For instance, many children ‘play doctor’ or invent other games that involve taking off their clothes and looking at or touching each other’s sex organs.

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There are special medical tests that can be done to determine whether or not a person has an STD, and if so, what kind. One way in which people find out that they have an STD is that they develop symptoms. The symptoms may lead the person to see a doctor who tests him or her for STDs.

However, one of the big problems with STDs is that people sometimes have the disease without knowing it. For example, it usually takes many years for a person infected with HIV to develop any obvious signs or symptoms of AID S. Women with chlamydia and gonorrhoea frequently don’t have any symptoms or the symptoms are so mild or so temporary that the woman doesn’t see a doctor. However, the germs are still in the body, can be passed on to others and may lead to serious medical problems such as PID. A person may have genital warts without knowing it, which can be a serious problem for women because untreated genital warts may lead to cervical cancer.

Because a person can have these and other STDs without knowing it and because untreated STDs can lead to serious health problems, it is vitally important that anyone who has an STD or thinks he or she might have one should seek medical attention immediately. Anyone diagnosed as having an STD should inform all his or her sexual partners, so these people can be tested and, if necessary, treated. Even if the sexual partners don’t have any symptoms, they must, none the less, be tested and treated.

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Most females discover that they are pregnant because they fail to have their menstrual period at the expected time. Sore breasts and nausea are also early signs of pregnancy. However, there are many reasons, other than pregnancy that could cause a female to miss her menstrual period or to have sore breasts or nausea. But, pregnancy is the most common cause of missed periods in sexually active females. Anyone who thinks she might be pregnant should have a pregnancy test.

Standard pregnancy tests are done on a urine sample collected in the early morning. In order for the test to be accurate, at least fourteen days must have elapsed since the time of the expected menstrual period, that is, the girl or woman must be at least fourteen days iate’ in getting her period. These standard pregnancy tests are available from some family doctors, family planning clinics and Brook Advisory Centres. Pregnancy tests that can detect pregnancy earlier, that is, before the girl or woman is fourteen days late in getting her period, are available from one of the pregnancy charities.

In addition, home pregnancy test kits are available from chemists. If a person follows the directions and uses these tests properly, they are quite reliable. However, it is possible to get a false test result. For example, the test may indicate that someone isn’t pregnant when, in reality, she is or vice versa. If the home pregnancy test indicates a female isn’t pregnant, but she still doesn’t get her period or she has other signs of pregnancy (swollen, tender breasts or nausea) or if she feels unsure about the test results, she should have a test done at a doctor’s surgery or clinic.

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This method, which is also called the’jag’ or ‘jab’, is not as widely used as some of the others, and is not a first-choice method. It involves an injection of large amounts of a hormone similar to the hormone used in the mini-pill. It prevents pregnancy in the same manner as the mini-pill. The hormone is injected into the woman’s muscle and is then released into the woman’s body slowly over a period of months. A single injection usually protects against pregnancy for two to three months.

The ‘morning after’ pill and IUD-Considered emergency methods, these methods are used only in cases where a woman fears she might become pregnant because she hasn’t used birth control, she’s used her method improperly or she thinks that her method might not have worked properly. The morning after pills contain a high dose of hormones like the ones in combined birth control pills, and must be taken within seventy-two hours of unprotected intercourse in order to work.

Inserting an IU D within 5 days of unprotected intercourse will also prevent pregnancy, although this is usually done only in cases where the woman plans to go on using the IUD as her regular method of contraception and where it is medically suitable to do so.

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